is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
try to milk me bitch
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