I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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