You smell like a Billy Joel song
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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