GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize