im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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