Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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