Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
