The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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