I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
