how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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