i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
