She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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