That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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