Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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