Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just cropdusted the office
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
