I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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