The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
