I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You need Xanax blowdarts
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
