I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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