You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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