he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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