really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
