I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
