oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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