phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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