I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
