I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
