Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
