can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
