under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
