I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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