Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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