Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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