I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
