I wish I could punch you in the face.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
smell my finger.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
