The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
