People in love make me want to vomit
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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