he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
