All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
