if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
