stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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