I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
