im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
