So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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