i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
