cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
