do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
