True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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