Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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