haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
