Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
soo... how was my night?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
