it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
