i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
