I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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