I think I won the penis lottery.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
