Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
