haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need water and some morals
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
