Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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