he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize